Author Topic: The assholes I have to deal with  (Read 2536 times)


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The assholes I have to deal with
« on: July 20, 2017, 12:22:20 AM »
Seriously, they act like I'm not in their fucking group text.

Iditarod: Hey gang, aren't you tired doing all this morally dubious nonsense for a bunch of people not willing to take their own risks? I had an idea for some self-employed work. Anyone interested?

Priceline: I'm not starting a fucking puppy rescue

Iditarod: Stay classy, asshole. There's profit in what I'm thinking of: pretty much every enclave in the area relies on grain for their long-term supplies, and you know what likes grain? Mice. And do you know what likes eating mice? One clue: second most popular pet on the planet.
Iditarod: I know about a colony of feral cats out in the suburbs outside of Minneapolis. We just need to find a few litters of kittens, and we could practically name our price on them individually.

Prof.: Are you planning to introduce feral cats to enclaves...?

Priceline: Oh God, I was just making a joke. You're actually serious?

Prof.: *rolls eyes* Yeah, this sounds like a greeaaat idea...

Iditarod: Serious as a god damn heart attack. They used to ship em out to the trenches in World War I.
Iditarod: And I don't know about you folks, but I'm feeling pretty darn entrenched.

Catfish: [like a billion cat pictures]

Prof.: Yeah, but those cats weren't feral, you know.

Iditarod: Which is why I say we need to go after the kittens. You can easily train a kitten to be a good mouser.

Priceline: I don't even know what to say. Nobody is going to pay legit bounty for stray cats man.  But the pictures are adorable, Catfish.

Prof.: Who in their sane, or relatively sane mind, would pay for strays? Like, sure, mice might be an issue, but we've yet to have any serious issues with'em, right?

Priceline: if you want to do something with animals you should catch rabbits and start breeding them for meat.

Iditarod: I know for a fact that Kennel is having problem with their food stocks. Heard some rumors outta Knotsbury, too.

Prof.: We sure that's mice and not people skimming off the stocks?

Iditarod: I've seen the spoiled bags firsthand. Pretty sure most folks I know don't nibble through paper.

Prof.: *looks around* I don't know, man, there's alot of weird people around these parts...

Taxey: whatup

NRG: 'sides, how many of us are animal trainers?

Prof.: Iditarod wants to start an anti-mouse cat thing...

NRG: We could make this a side hustle. Even cut out the middle man.

Iditarod: Rabbit breeding is an idea, but it'd have higher burden of effort. Like, that's a long-term project.

Taxey:im down whos the buyer

Priceline: Kennel has too many mouths to feed because they can't offload enough dogs and they are too sentimental to cull the heard. BUT! Let's say for the sake of argument that mice are that bug of a problem, who's going to pay enough for cats to make this profitable? Kennel and Knotsberry are destitute last I heard. They can't afford to pay.

NRG: Valentino? That strange ass school probably also needs a mousing solution.

Iditarod: Woodsman and I know our ways around animals, and I think I heard Westminster trained one of you folks

Prof.: And you sure as Hell know people don't buy shit on credit anymore.

Taxey:hope would prolly trade for for cats
Taxey:weed for cats

NRG: What's the First Nations' enclave? They might be down.
NRG: Goddammit, Taxey.

Taxey:what weed is great

Iditarod: Weed for cats sounds like some pre-crash meme

Priceline: I know a guy back in Missouri that would probably buy the weed though.

Prof.: *nodding* Yup, sure does

Taxey:im fuckin serious. weed for cats

Iditarod: Only took the end of the god damn world for me to figure out where to buy weed in the Midwest.

Low: hold on what are we talking about? Weed for cats?

Catfish: Oh, yeah; I used to be on the same shonen fan mailing list as Weed4Cats

NRG; Goddammit Catfish.

Catfish: What? I was! He was totally into Vape Dragon High School

Taxey:hope weed is good shit i vouch for it

Prof.: Aright, but who would we sell the weed to? How much for how much? How many cats do we need to provide for it to even be worth it?

Iditarod: Kid, we need to talk about your life choices some time.

Priceline: Seriously though, payment in trade is probably the only hope for a good payout here.

NRG: Prof; Mayo.

Taxey:fuck you you dont know me

Iditarod: I don't know about the weed, but I can get a buyer for 15 bounty a head.

Low: Jesus Christ what's taxey talking about now?
Priceline: 15 bounty per cat? Bullshit!

Taxey:fuckin baller

Prof.: I agree with Priceline, 15 bounty per cat seems way too high, but heck... That's good money

Iditarod: ... It maaaaaaaay be 15 per litter, but we can say a litter's like 2 cats due to "scarcity"

Low: The fuck are we gonna transport that many cats?

Iditarod: I've got space. My boys are very good with kitties.

Prof.: And a better question: Where the hell are we going to find them? Because tracking down cats sure as hell isn't an easy job...

Prof.: And that was before the whole issue with the world ending.

Low: Oh christ, he's calling them his boys again

Iditarod: They're good dogs, Low. Where's your girlfriend, anyway?

Priceline: okay okay okay. Let's go with the idea that Iditarod can actually make that price, how do we find them, how do we catch them and how do we haul their asses back here?

Low: good question. She doesn't tell me where she's going

Iditarod: Like I said, I know a place outside of an old community that never got fully built which has a massive feral colony. We may be able to nab building supplies as a bonus side-hustle, too! There's a miiiiiiinor issue with it, though. Last I heard, a bunch of aggressive squatters were in the area.

Taxey:i knew this motherfucker who sold coke, had a big house out in chanhassen, and like 40 cats
Taxey:crazy motherfucker tho, booby traps and shit all over his estate

Toss: whats goin on. Did i hear you say something about booby traps?

Prof.: Gang's gonna go steal some cats

Iditarod: Hey Toss! We're going to sell cats.

Prof.: Trade'em for weed and sell the drugs, at least that's the jist of it?

Low: Taxey and Iditarod are leading us into a death trap
The usual.

Priceline: Iditarod are you talking about "The Pines" addition outside Minneapolis? Last I heard the squatters turned that place into a half-assed enclave of likeminded nutjobs. They spouted shit about breeding immune people to bring about the genetic future of humanity....

Taxey:hey snoop, are we maybe talking about the same place?
(Taxey calls Iditarod Snoop now)

Toss: Wait are we catching wild cats?....

Iditarod: Yeah, The Pines sounds right. None of us are immune, right?
Iditarod: Wait, who's Snoop?

Taxey:aw shit sounds like they found some of his leftover coke or something

Priceline: nobody answer that fucking question

Prof.: Think they're feral, though someone said there might be a crazy cat guy/gal somewhere with a shittonne of pseudo-tamed ones?

Taxey:your snoop

Priceline: If one of you assholes are immune, none of us need to ever know.

(More to come)


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Re: The assholes I have to deal with
« Reply #1 on: July 20, 2017, 12:23:02 AM »
Prof.: Yup, better not to know. Safer for everyone, no need to put a target on our asses

Toss: I was going to say people might pay more for tame than feral. If theres tame cats and leftover coke we might make some good bounty
Sid changed name to Prof. Bjorn (Sid)

Iditarod: Not cats, kittens, jeez. Kittens'll be easier to grab up.

Priceline: I'll stay clear of the drug trade, thanks. Last thing I need is the nutjobs in Mayo to think we're muscling in on their cashcow.

Prof. Bjorn: So, possibly crazy coke-guy with a lot of cats... Don't think we should get in on that drug-money though, profitable sure, but that's gonna lead to a slippery slope to get Mayo on our asses.

Iditarod: Sidetrack, but why are there so many cults around here? There's a surreal number of cults.

Toss: We could try and pick up some bounty on the side by eliminating him for Mayo. See if they are interested

Iditarod: I'm not the only one who's noticed this, right?

Taxey: pl u gotta lern 2 hustle. any coke we find we sell to mayo.

Prof. Bjorn: Idatarod, yeah... I've noticed that too...

Iditarod: So, we've got The Pines and some trapped house buy a coke-dealing hoarder.

Prof. Bjorn: I guess people flock to whatever "solution" they think sounds good enough after the Crash hit.

Iditarod: By*, shit.

Low: this is all sounding better and better....

Priceline: I mean, when's the last time you met an actually sane person out here?
Priceline: Only makes sense that the people who crack latch on to crazy ideologies to keep their shit together.

Taxey:i dont know much about the rest of this shit, fill me in later gotta bounce

Low: So....what if we sent another group out to test how dangerous it is?

Priceline: Low, you got bounty enough to hire a crew? I sure as hell don't and then what keeps them from taking our score out from under us?

Taxey:im down to sell the coke if we find any tho, no worry

Low: I'm not saying we hire a crew. We post a fake job,and see if they make it out

NRG: Wait, wait, wait. The Pines? I heard they fell like a couple weeks back. If it's true it'd be hella infested.

Low: Tell them we'll meet them out there.

Iditarod: If it's weeks ago, then they're either in torpor or just casualties. Could be worse. Or they're immune nutjobs and just scattered

Priceline: sending people in to die is some juju that I don't need on my conscience, thanks.

Sheers: I can't believe I spent a charge for this.

Low: Noted, boy scout. Anyone else got any ideas?

Priceline: Another question, if Kennel is a potential buyer, why aren't they just going to snag up some cats on their own? They've got the infrastructure and ability already in place to do this job.

Iditarod: Yeah, about that... I may have accidentally tipped them off to the place. We gotta snake em if we do this.

Priceline: Jesus. Seriously?

Low: God dammit dog lord.

Prof. Bjorn: By the gods... Of course you tipped them off...

Iditarod: Hey man, I'm not the perfect human being, sue me.

Low: Clearly

Priceline: what did you do, pitch this to them first?

Iditarod: I mentioned that I may have seen some ferals in passing, and they got all excited about the idea of grabbing kittens. Technically, they pitched it to me.

Low: So uh, real quick, what do they plan to do with said kittens?

Iditarod: Like I said before, they're having problems with grain getting ruined by mice.
Iditarod: And to be frank, grain is cheaper than dog or cat meat.

Priceline: Yeah, that's great, it's going to make our reputation /amazing/ in the area when we totally bust Kennel's balls with this.

Iditarod: You want to sell it to a different buyer, then? I've got them lined up and ready to go, and we have em over a barrel.

Priceline: You guys already tanked our rep when you robbed those jerks of their cold weather gear.

Iditarod: "Hey, Westminster, I heard you were interested in kittens, and my crew just so happened to pick up a few on a job. Care to buy em or have one of your highly trained staff go out their and get their ass bit by a C?"

Priceline: Hell no! If you want to dick Kennel so bad to steal their score, we may as well sell it back to them!

Iditarod: Shit, there*.
Iditarod: Those assholes deserved it. They were out for blood.

Priceline: Doesn't mean you didn't drag our names through the mud.
Priceline: I'm game for this clownshow, I'm just saying, our reputation isn't going to improve from this one.

Sheers: you guys JOLSing?

Iditarod: It's not like we haven't done worse in the past. I heard about what happened with Iron Mountain. Fucking Penny kept bringing it up during negotiation.

Toss: iditarod is talking about a crazy idea for a score

Iditarod: Crazy like a fox!

Priceline: JOLS?! Nah, Iditarod just seems to be convinced that we can make a ton of bounty of of jewing the ever-loving crap out of Kennel

Iditarod: Hey man, don't use that sort of language, it enforces negative stereotypes.

Priceline: Oh God, no, just don't even start that crap now.
Priceline: Let's just go steal your kitties already and be done with this malarkey!

Low: Dog lord is gonna be the death of me

Catfish: are we... sure Kennel is going to have enough to pay? Operator was saying they're kind of the sick man of 10k right

Iditarod: Pretty sure your girlfriend is gonna be the death of you, friend. Anyway, good meeting everyone, I'll do some work on the details.

Catfish: but she said it in a weirdly enthusiastic way like she was happy about it

Iditarod: You trust her? Am I the only one who thinks there's something not right about her?

Low: Op says....a lot of things

Catfish: could we try one or the other enclaves that might have more money

Sheers: do I know his girlfriend?

Iditarod: 0perator. The angry lady

Low: maybe? Flies a drone? Real bitchy?

Catfish: she was always going on about this snuff film she made

Iditarod: Wait what

Sheers:  :-X

Iditarod: She made a snuff film.
Iditarod: That is not on-brand for freelance.

Priceline: we sell to whoever will pay. Speaking of payment, I got to go talk to a guy about some negotiation work.

Low: huh. News to me

Priceline: I -um- know a guy that might purchase such a film... does she still have it? Tell her I'll fence it for a broker fee, if she needs to offload it. I gotta go before I'm late for another call.

*2 hours later*
Taxey: hey whatup what did we decide on


Toss Up

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Re: The assholes I have to deal with
« Reply #2 on: July 20, 2017, 01:18:37 AM »
Hey 0perator. Ever hear of a closed door meeting? Now every wannabe taker group will be trying to cash in on our score.


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Re: The assholes I have to deal with
« Reply #3 on: July 20, 2017, 01:23:08 AM »
Get over yourself, Toss Up: you know we're the only game in town.

Toss Up

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Re: The assholes I have to deal with
« Reply #4 on: July 20, 2017, 01:32:30 AM »
I know that, you know that, and most of Freelance knows that but if we have a group of bait show up on site and dont know how to use a gun.... or better yet trailing a horde of C's you better be ready to face the consequences.

Toss Up

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Re: The assholes I have to deal with
« Reply #5 on: July 20, 2017, 01:34:07 AM »
Also if the crazy coke guy is still around or that cult thanks for tipping them off we are heading over


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Re: The assholes I have to deal with
« Reply #6 on: July 20, 2017, 01:38:26 AM »
If anyone shows up, I'm fairly certain it'll be with corn and coke to watch you guys attempt the fine art of herding cats.

Thanks for sharing, 0p. I haven't laughed this hard in a while. Good luck with the job, and remember to make a video reel of the highlights. ;)
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Re: The assholes I have to deal with
« Reply #7 on: July 20, 2017, 02:08:31 AM »
The fuck did I miss??
« Last Edit: July 20, 2017, 02:33:18 AM by Gurney »


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Re: The assholes I have to deal with
« Reply #8 on: July 20, 2017, 05:06:30 PM »
You missed Toss Up swinging his dick around like he's some sort of badass, clearly. If you're smart, you'll avoid this dumbass job.

Toss Up

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Re: The assholes I have to deal with
« Reply #9 on: July 21, 2017, 12:25:23 AM »
I never claimed i was a bad ass. I just want make some bounty and so far it seems like there are some people of Freelance who don't care about that. Sorry to intrude on your pity party.
« Last Edit: July 21, 2017, 12:26:57 AM by Toss Up »


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Re: The assholes I have to deal with
« Reply #10 on: July 21, 2017, 05:49:22 PM »
10k taker repping freelance
keepin it 100
out 2 tax eryday


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Re: The assholes I have to deal with
« Reply #11 on: July 24, 2017, 07:53:59 PM »
And this is why most crews are 3-4 members, tops. Airing your dirty laundry on Ubiq is a great way to lose clients.
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Toss Up

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Re: The assholes I have to deal with
« Reply #12 on: July 25, 2017, 03:25:20 PM »
Thank you for agreeing Freebird


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Re: The assholes I have to deal with
« Reply #13 on: July 25, 2017, 04:47:39 PM »
Cats are a great fucking idea.

It's old school web, and pre-crash footage; but I have seem bigger swarms since the crash than I ever saw before.

It might not be super profitable, but you should maybe do it anyway. It looks like a strong contender for a high quality death rate lowering strat.


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Re: The assholes I have to deal with
« Reply #14 on: July 26, 2017, 04:49:09 AM »
Thanks for that info Operator I got some boys who'd love to make some cash in, and aren't too picky on there protein.
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